just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Naked Twister starts at high noon
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
