so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
