Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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