Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just gift wrapped bread.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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