My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
