he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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