please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
True college students do jello shots in the library
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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