i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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