i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
