I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
