Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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