i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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