Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
