...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
