ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
