so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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