C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
