I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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