I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
