Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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