she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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