I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
