if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
