I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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