the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
