She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
