I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
