Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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