I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
