i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
