I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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