i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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