I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
of course. lets lasso hookers.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
