I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
