i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
