fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
