My Higher Power is John Stamos
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I will pee on everything he values.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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