i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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