When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
