I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
