Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
