Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
