dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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