When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
