I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
