i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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