My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
