Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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