yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
