i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
