what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
