The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
