let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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