I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
